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Here in southern Indiana, we make Kentuckian jokes . . .

What did the 16 year old Kentucky girl say to her father when she lost her virginity?

"Get off me! You're crushing my Marlboros!!"
 
The Center for Disease Control & Prevention has issued a very important announcement.

The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

--

“There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.”
~ Ernst Haas

We are officially live!!!!
http://www.commercialfineart.com/
Old Web Site
http://www.pbase.com/romansphotos/
 
A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, whats your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "...You are correct, Dave, 'goan is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan F* yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "...You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan F* yourself.
 
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 
A man is walking on a Callifornia beach, and discovers a corked bottle washed on shore. He picks it up, opens it, and a genie pops out.

The man says to the genie, "who are you?" To which, the genie replies, "I'm a genie, and for letting me out of this bottle, I will grant you 3 wishes."

Excited, the man says, "I want to be the wealthiest man in the world" To which, the genie replies, "granted."

Next, the man says, "I want to be the smartest man in the world." To which, the genie replies, "granted."

Finally, the man says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying, and I get sea sick...I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii, so that I can drive to it." To which, the genie replied, "I'm sorry, but that is impossible, and I cannot grant it."

But the man persisted, reminding the genie of his pledge to grant him 3, not 2, wishes.

I understand, said the genie, but what you've asked would take a monumental effort on my part, and would be years in the making. Quite frankly, it is possible, and I can grant you this wish, but it would just be so very difficult for me that I cannot think of anything more difficult that anyone could possibly wish for, and I cannot bear even the thought of taking on such a difficult task. Please, for my sake, is there anything else that you'd like? Ask anything else, and I will grant it."

The man thought a minute, then said, "I'd like to understand women."

With a disgruntled look on his face, the genie replies, "would you like a 2 lane or 4 lane bridge?"

--



If you find my posts helpful or informative, please consider a donation to my ego fund.
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

--
Neil C
 
The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist takes out a
freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
 
Help my tummy aches from the loL's. Need more!
 
Why do men have larger brians than dogs?

So that they don't hump you leg at parties.

Jessie who is 85 years old lives in an old peoples home. One day she bursts into the mens rest room & says, 'Any one that can guess what I'm holding in my right hand can have wild sex with me tonight'

A guy at the back calls out 'an elephant' - Jessie thinks for a moment & says, 'Ok -thats close enough'.

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through

Wales. At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress...
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ...
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly...?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrrr... Gurrrr... King."
 
That last one can't be correct, I've been to Llanfairpwll and there's no Burger King there. But while we're on the humor track: did you know that the twin town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is Y in France? Talk about opposites...

Jarno
--
Photos at http://jarno.smugmug.com
 
An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.....It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Monday.
 
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty
years. The only friction in their marriage was caused
by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and
gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead
with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman
told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to
visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but
the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it
was just a natural bodily function, and then he would
laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing
natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day
going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and
Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting
his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn,
Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy
and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the
turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as
to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a
devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before
her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the
covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey
shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the
covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing
the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his
normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed
by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

Martha could not control herself and her eyes began
to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After
years of putting up with him she had finally gotten
even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in
his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in
his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and
she asked him what was the matter. "Honey," he said.
"You were right - all those years you warned me and
I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well you always
told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think
I got 'em all back in."
 
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